I think it's about time that I post something onto this collective site of thoughts, emotions, and daily going-ons. I mean, considering I'm already on it several times, from the all-too-positive vantage of those who love me ;) Sorry for the sarcasm, I'm having an awkward week..unpleasant at best, mixed with brief moments of "i guess life doesn't completely suck" optimism. But it's been up and down for awhile now, so whatever.

Signe, why don't you ever talk to me about this shit? I'm sorry that I messed with your life for a week or two during high school, but it wasn't intentional and it wasn't done with malicious foresight. Why did I intensely hang out with JH for a few brief weeks between the boyfriends that littered my high school journey? That's easy enough, I needed a friend. I felt used and thrown out, rejected and cheated on... I needed someone I could trust, someone with whom I could forget about that silly relationship with Neil. Jamie was all busy with Nathan and I wanted to forge a new friendship, I didn't know that I would be stepping on toes by doing so, and I was too naive to realize that this sudden show of attention to him by me would make him think that I had romantic inclinations.

Why is it that just because you like hanging out with someone, talking to them, running around and just enjoying their company, that people assume you want them? Just because I'm single and not grossly disgusting doesn't mean that I want to get all up ons with you ~ maybe I just think you're kinda cool and way interesting and a bit unconventional? Maybe I just want to be your friend, christ, just because I've got a hooch and you've got a dick doesn't mean I can't think of you just as a friend, I loved being with my girls too and no one thought anything of *that* (i'm sure everyone can see the irony of all of this in the present light)

What I mean to say is this. Signe, I am sorry that I selfishly screwed you over in high school. Please don't think that I had any inkling of what I was doing, I am a lot more stupid than people give me credit for, I don't admit to that much. You ~ all of my girlz ~ are more important to me than anything in this world. You are my one constant, the only source of security (except inner) that I don't ever have to question, my refuge in this world of refuse. My own family can't even measure up to my girlz and their unconditional support (earmarked with sage advice that I usually ignore and regret ignoring later). I'm sorry, Siggypoo ...please forgive me?

Love,
Lauren

P.S. Life sucks. "ray of fucking sunshine"? I wish I could return to that state of ignorance - getting older..getting wiser..all of that really blows. Guess it's essential though, huh?